Remember back in 2000 when the Great Disney Studios released “Dinosaur,” the ingeniously titled film about a dinosaur? Don’t worry about it if you don’t, the movie was intensely forgettable; a bland action movie that cost the company hundreds of millions due to overwrought special effects that where there to hide the fact that the film was a rip-off of “Land Before Time”. The clunker made very little to recoup costs because no one was impressed.
My point is this: Disney should have learned a lesson with “Dinosaur” and chucked the script for “John Carter” out the window as soon as it hit Mickey’s desk. (I’m not sure that the Mouse is still green lighting projects, actually. That’s really an assumption.)
“John Carter” is a screaming example of what is wrong with the Big Hollywood Summer Movie and can’t get anything right. Case in point: It isn’t even being released in the summer. The gutless actioner mistakes loud spectacle for entertaining storytelling and has very little redeeming qualities.
The sad (and disappointing) thing here is that “John Carter” is the much publicized first live action effort of PIXAR Studios alum Andrew Stanton, the man who has helmed modern day classics; “Wall-E” and “Finding Nemo”. Stanton knows how to tell a nuanced story and stage a scene. Unfortunately, his skills only translate in the virtual world and “John Carter” is as clunky and disjointed as any novice director’s work you’ll see. Only difference is this guy was given somewhere north of $250 million to prove he’s got a ways to go before he should be given $250,000 dollars to make a film with real people.
“John Carter” is based on a character created by Edgar Rice Burroughs, the man who put the loin cloth on Tarzan and deemed him king of the jungle. Carter (Taylor Kitsch) is an ex-Confederate soldier who gets transported to Mars and finds himself in the middle of a battle between two warring factions. One side is good and wears blue handkerchiefs while the villains are adorned with red handkerchiefs. The good guys have a princess named Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins) who is plenty pretty and looks like an exotic woman you would find in a Frank Frazetta painting. Carter, of course, sides with the pretty lady and takes up arms against the treacherous Sab Than (Dominic West). Carter soon realizes that the true threat is a race called the Therns, immortal beings lead by the Holy Hakkador Matai Shang (the go-to bad guy of the moment Mark Strong).
“John Carter” is packed with long, unpronounceable names and bizarre language that only diehard fans of the novels will be able to follow. While the movie bears resemblance to (because the books inspired…) many modern sci-fi films (“Star Wars,” “Avatar,” etc.) the one film that it most resembles is the 1984 version of “Dune”. Both are filled with too many characters and stiff language that can play like gobbltygook to the average audience member. I would like to say that this train wreck will at least be enjoyed by 8 year-old boys but the story is too convoluted to keep them interested for the 132 minute run time.
For all the money pumped into it, the effects and CG character design aren’t even impressive. The world is grossly underpopulated and doesn’t seem inhabited. Carter has a doglike sidekick but there is only one of them to be seen. There are the humanlike characters and the Tharks (tall, skinny alien types with face tusks) but nothing lives in the background. The sets look cold and unlived in while the costumes look like costumes; never been worn before.
As a leading man Kitsch grumbles through the movie fine but he is a little too cold to fully embrace. Collins is, again, pretty but that’s about it. The use of no-names was probably a poor choice but star power didn’t save “Cowboys and Aliens” either. I don’t know if there is anything salvageable here.
I could continue and complain about the vanilla music score, lack of heart, poor action sequences and worthless,flat 3D that works only to dim the image but I’ll stop. “John Carter” is a bomb. If Disney is content on throwing money away like this, they should feel free to send me a check and I’ll blow it nice and proper for them.