Dear Hollywood,
I have an idea but, don’t worry, it isn’t very original. The recent onslaught of remakes being presented at the multiplexes lately sparked this thought: I propose you stop flirting with the notion and give us ONLY Remakes- all the time. You are so close to delivering this as it is. Why not go all in. This is how I think Hollywood should go about it.
Let’s pick a year and “re-imagine” every film released that particular year. This way you remove the annoying element of the movie making process that requires figuring what actually happens in the film and you can focus on the important part: making the money. Why gamble on new and original ideas when you can stick with the proven ones?
I further propose that the year we call “do-over” on is 1985. That was a year that had plenty of fresh concepts just ripe for redux. You get started now and you can begin releasing in 2016. We can even release these re-hashings in the same order, having those films released on the first weekend of January 1985 re-released on the first weekend of January 2016 and so forth.
Early January we can have a modern telling of “Blood Simple”. The Coen Brothers should be up for taking the helm again on this one, their seminal film. The master auteurs who gave us “True Grit” and “The Ladykillers” will only be following suit as they mine their own filmography.
February we will see “The Breakfast Club”- bigger, better and younger. Maybe set it in a middle school and take out the bad language. Go for the “Glee” crowd. Maybe get Justin Bieber to play Molly Ringwald? Throw in a couple of songs? “The Breakfast Glee Club”.
March will see the first of two Chuck Norris remakes: “Missing in Action 2:The Beginning” followed by “Invasion U.S.A” later in the year. I move that we do not recast these films but get Mr. Norris himself to dust off his Uzis. I will not joke about these masterpieces. I fear Chuck Norris.
We also have “Mask”, the true story of Rocky Dennis that suffered from serious deformity originally starring Cher. I say two birds/one stone with this one and cast Jim Carrey as his character from “The Mask” to play Mr. Dennis. Two remakes at a time.
“Just One of the Guys” but flip and call it “Just One of the Girls”. It can be a Wayans Brothers vehicle. Or Rob Schneider. Or whatever.
The summer schedule heats up with some real favorites that audiences will be clamoring to re-visit. 1985 saw both “Rocky IV” and “Rambo: First Blood Part II” released. Let’s give these to Norris as well. If it is at all possible, do not piss off Norris. Also, I am noticing that roman numerals were really big when it came to sequels in ‘85. Let’s ditch that and call our new versions “Rocky 4” and “Rambo 2” as a way of deceitfully conveying that these are different from their predecessors.
June we will get a new dose of “The Goonies,” “St. Elmo’s Fire,” and “Cocoon”. These are all pretty good to begin with so we will just release the originals in 3-D. That’s actually an extremely easy way to regurgitate a flick so we will give the 3-D treatment to “Real Genius” and “The Black Cauldron” as well.
Here’s my favorite: Since Tim Burton has turned himself into the preeminent creator of remakes with his recent output including “re-imaginings” of “Alice in Wonderland,” “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and “Dark Shadows,” why not take another crack at his first film and remake “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”? He did it with “Frankenweenie.” Here’s the pitch: “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure” starring Johnny Depp! Then he can start “reimagining” his entire filmography: “Beetlejuice” starring Johnny Depp, “Batman”
starring Johnny Depp and even “Edward Scissorhands” starring Johnny Depp!!!
Finally, there’s “Back to the Future”. Let’s keep in line with director Robert Zemeckis’ latest tendencies and make the film in that creepy motion-capture cartoon thing he’s been doing for the last decade (“The Polar Express,” “A Christmas Carol”). We set the film in current time and Marty goes back in time to 1985. Done. We’ll get Chuck Norris to play Doc Brown. It’ll be great, again.
No surprises, no uncharted territory, and no challenging, new ideas that actually take some mind power to process.
Thanks for your time,
David C Pinson